So back to him.

I told him he made me miserable.

I actually added "semi-" to soften the blow. But nonetheless, I told him, quite blatantly.

The worst part.

I think he could care less.

He said that he missed what we had. Does he even realize what we had? For me it was... a best friend. The first 'guy' best friend I had ever had and got to hang out with so much. It was such a fun experience for me. I'm not gonna lie, I really enjoyed it when we pretended to be a couple, but me and him were tight... And now... Just being near him has my heart cringing. That's probably not healthy, but its true. I'd really like to work it out, but I don't see how we can, honestly. I sincerely don't think he cares enough to do so or to find time to hear me out. If anything it would just be awkward. I loved being his friend... But maybe I felt that he didn't. Like I was just another regular friend to him. Maybe that's why I drifted. Because the reciprocation just didn't meet my standards, and I realized it. I'd always be the one to text him, to give him cool stuff as a friend, to call and talk to him. I didn't matter as much as he mattered to me. And so, we arrive at where we are today. Where I barely talk to him, and he could care less about me... :]

It's purely speculation.

But I have a feeling this one's right on.

Yaaaargh.

But that expression kills me.

It really does.

So depressing. I feel like all my stress is building up again. It's hard.

I'll get through it.

In his arms, I feel so much security.. So much warmth.. So much care.. Even if it isn't real, it feels so safe, nothing else matters...

In his eyes I can see
Where my heart longs to be

In his eyes I see a gentle glow,
And that's where I'll be safe, I know

Safe in his arms, close to his heart...

But I don't know quite where to start...

Agh. I had a sharp pain today. But it wasn't from me being sick. It was the same feeling I had after 'it' was over. I first made a complete fool of myself trying to improv and sing for theatre today, and I was completely humiliated. I felt absolutely worthless and crushed. And when that happens I sit alone and isolate myself.. and start thinking and actually rationalize. And then the thought finally came across. And I thought about what Jay said... That I shouldn't.. do that. And he's completely right. It felt comforting to have... that. But it's not real, and it never will be, and it'll probably be better off for me to accept it now. I can feel the feeling in my chest. Like someone's gripping at it... It hurts... But not as much as it would have later. I would know...

Ooo. Log time.

12.27
On our way to San Fran after I specifically said like 40921784 times I don't want to go and would rather just got o Los Angeles. On top of that, we're going to San Jose. Almost spelt that with an H. Oops. Just sitting in the car. Been sleeping most of the time. Btw, my dad eats SO obnoxiously. Now I remember why I don't eat dinner with the family anymore. All you hear is NOMFJDSLA;FNOM.FJDKLSAJFNOM.NOFJDSNOM.NOM. Arghh. And he's also a big time back seat driver. Yeah, my mom missed the -- omg, he just reclined the seat in front of my face. UGH. Could this get any worse? How OBNOXIOUS. Anywho, mom missed the freeway entrance, but she u-turned to hit it again. Then as she got on it, he adjusted the driver's wheel. Lol. Wut? Yeah, I'm saving batteries. On the laptop. :] Jaa.

PART DOS

So I was supposed to visit Jay during my stay in LA right? I guess that's gone to the toilet. I know it's New Year's week and that the planning sucked, but I just kinda get the feeling that he didn't care for it at all. =/ I was pumped and excited and it kinda feels like he was 'meh' about it. I seem to put too much thought into these sort of things, like when I was with 'him'. I put forth all this effort, and it all goes to shit. And I end up feeling terrible afterwards. Guess what I'm feeling now?

Yayyy. Christmas is almost here. And even though I already got mainly all my gifts, just the thought of Christmas being here is exciting. I'm typing this from my laptop trying to get used to the keyboard so I can utilize it while I"m on my trip to LA. So, first thing's first.

School is over. Woohoo! I didn't get a C in any of my classes! Woohoo! Next! It's going to be longer. xD

Today was me and my friend's Christmas exchange! It was exciting. We met at Christa's, all of our regulars to change gifts right away. I gave away my gifts and everyone loved them. Which I'm so glad about, because I was a little worried to be honest. But it worked out. :] Let's see. From Hannah, I got creamer with Jake on it xD <3, Jake's suspenders (or at least the same exact ones), and a fish thing? I loved everything but the fish, because it slightly scared me. xD Mandy and Christa both got me a Disney pin! Lord knows how much it cost because there's only 1. I didn't think Disney pins were that expensive but I was wrooong. I better not lose it. Cassandra got me a flurry of iPod socks! I love them! I'm using the green and blue ones for my iPod. 8D It looks so snug and warm for Leehom. Cindy got me a 10 dollar gift card to Walmart. And finally Jake got me Wii pajamas, which are the most comfortable things in the WORLD. I love all the innuendos with Jake lately. I admit I get a little traumatized, but they're amusing nonetheless. The bad thing is that I kinda have a thing for Jake. XP We played Twister for a bit, then some Wii, and some Jungle Speed. It was fun until we all had to go. ]: I got so depressed. I don't think I've ever been this close with any of my friends before, and it just breaks me a little on the inside when we all gotta separate. But enough of that.

Today I'll be packing for Las Vegas and Los Angeles. I'm not that excited. I'm going with my parents. But I'll try and make it enjoyable so I can guilt trip them to buy me things at Disneyland. MUAHAHAHA. I also might be able to meet Kero and Jay! THAT I am excited about. But the chances are slim at best because, well they're strangers. But the two said they'd try to meet with me too. x3; -Happy- Alright. I'll probably post about the trip when I'm back. D: Hopefully everything will be alright.

Ahah. D: My infatuation with Jake has gotten pretty bad. I can feel the tug in my stomach from it. ~_~ Which is bad, because he's straight, and that wouldn't really care to work out so nicely. I asked to get paired with Jake in our Theatre Final called "Essence of Love", where we perform and explore the abstract concepts of love. Our topic? Forbidden Love... XD WOW. Just the thing. We start off apart, and then we find eachother in the scene, then we secretively express our relationship on stage. Ahahah X3 And then I'm stuck in a freeze frame in his arms for like 2 minutes until the other groups finish their types of love. And after that he started calling me his Cup of Noodles. XDD And omg, it was terrible how hard Mandy, Christa, and Hannah laughed. So I had to find retaliation right? I think we had a consensus on cream filling. Teehee. So that's the extent of our relationship. And I suppose that's as far as it gets. XP

On the subject of growing up... I feel like I'm finally taking part of something greater. I'm finding the internet isn't as necessary as I once thought it was. Don't get me wrong, I think it was something that helped me grow so much, but I think it's coming time for me to achieve my life outside of the computer. I feel more mature... I feel like I'm understanding things, and thinking so much more on my own. I think I'm really growing up. :]

Oh boy. I am so busy lately. I like have no more freetime. It's absolutely ridiculous. ]: So much homework, and I absolutely hate The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn. I have to build an entire soapbox derby car this weekend, and try to decorate the rest of my house. D: And finals coming up. Oh boy. What fun this crap'll be.

Finding the nights really quiet and lonesome lately. I think my depressive cells are kicking in after a long time again.

-Sigh- I wish I had a sibling. =/

Why doesn't he ever know when to stop? When I hide in the corner of a room, with my face in my knees, snapping a rubber band constantly on my wrist, does he understand I'm in pain? No. He fucking laughs. What the hell? I tell him why I get angry, and then he says that I'm bullshit and doesn't care what I want and that he shouldn't pay for any of my stuff. What the fuck? I'm getting so pissed off lately. He won't give me any space. I don't have any air to breathe. Every 5 fucking minutes, he comes in my room and touches me. He pats me on the back, and I constantly tell him that I don't like any contact with him. Does he listen? No. And yet he wonders why I get so angry. He tells me I'm a child, and that I shouldn't get angry or else it'll become a habit. Hmm. I wonder why I'm so constantly angry? I don't think I do it to myself... So what COULD it fucking be? I'm keeping this rubber band on my wrist. I'm keeping it on until he goes away. Until he leaves my life forever.

I can't wait to get away from this home.

Today has just been one of those days. ]:

I'm tired. I'm stressed. I'm sad.

It started off when I woke up. It was alright. I was little late to playing tennis with Yan, Malachi, and Weston. Then... I came home. ]:

I got on the computer and talked to Jay for a bit. We talked like we always do and then I told him I felt like he was patronizing me, and I think that's where it went downhill. I think he was upset with me maybe and we stopped talking for the day.

Then I started doing homework and my dad decided he fucking wanted to see a movie. Out of nowhere. He already bought the tickets too. What. The. Fuck. Sunday is my fucking resting/homework day and he should know that. So I was forced to see a movie I didn't watch, and know I'm stressed from how much homework I have and how little time I have. That little bitch. What the fuck. Now I'm more stressed than before.

Ra help me.

Oh dear. The school play was absolutely AMAZING. I can't remember a time when I had felt this much of a rush of exhilaration. It'll probably be one of the highlights of my life. Just being on that stage, and hearing the rush of the curtains opening, and moving for the first time in front of a live audience... Auuugh. It was the most awesome feeling I had ever felt. And hearing them respond to your lines, communicating with the other actors, and building a bond... I felt so at peace. And after I got off for the scene, my blood was pumping, my heart was thumping, and I was jumping with joy. Oh god, that rhymed. XD Anywho. Exciting. That's how it was the first two nights. Then matinee came, which was performance during school 5th hour. Ugh. The kids were really disrespectful. It was kind of annoying. And then at the end we had to freeze to let the ones that didn't want to stay and watch leave. And just as they did, a ringtone went off. And no, it couldn't be a regular ringtone. noooo. We're there frozen, in the middle of a seance when we hear "WHAT IS LOVE. BABY DON'T HURT ME. DON'T HURT ME. NO MORE". All of us I swear, almost broke our frozen state and character, but we didn't. Which I'm totally proud about. We survived it!

Saturday. Oh god. Saturday. I don't want to remember Saturday. Senior Circle. Where we let the seniors in the production talk about their experience during the play. They all went, and a lottttt of tears came. And Mrs. Delph, our theatre teacher, takes it upon herself to tell us now that she may not be coming back. She's had too many medical problems. And by that time, I wasn't crying.. yet. And when she told us, Ohhhh goodddd. The waterworks came. I mean, this woman CHANGED MY LIFE. I would not be the confident, outgoing individual I am today, if it wasn't for her and her class. I feel like my time in theatre has allowed me to grow SO MUCH. It's ridiculous. I owe so much to that woman. And I'm so sad she may be going. She said it was a 40-80% chance... Hopefully she won't go. There's too many memories we can't risk her taking with her away from us... ]:

...Anywho. "Let's change the subject. This is supposed to be a happy occasion!" Oh god. That's one of Hannah's lines in the play. XD We're all remembering them slowly. After the closing night show, we all went to Cedric's house for the cast party. We were finally able to eat CHEESE and have SODA. FINALLYYYY. It was AMAZING. And then most of us sat around the living room table, dancing and singing to musicals like the losers we were. We went through Mamma Mia, and Legally Blonde. We tried Avenue Q, but the DVD player did nottttt like the CD. So yeah. Then Alan came with Andrew! AHHH. I LOVE ALAN. <3 XD I get too excited when I mention him. I sat by him and we put our arms around eachother around the fire outside. :D It was nice. I wish I could hang out with him more often. He's probably one of my favorite Asians at school besides Jenn and Yan. Now I'm here. Freaking out about all my final projects due. Fun tiiimes. :D I'm a little sad though (not only because of that), because I feel like someone dear to me is drifting away. ]: A little. And when it happens I get a little melancholy and I just get a little emotional sometimes around other people. I really need to learn how to control that. I'm turning into something I definitely don't want to be. D: Alright. I'm done with this entry.

So I had a weird dream again. I woke up at 4AM thanks to it. Not pleasant. The dream, I don't know how to feel about. I've had this sort of 'infatuation', or at least I believe with my asian friend Jackson I guess, and I had a weird dream about him. It's been like 12 hours, so I don't remember it so clear. Ugh, I should've typed this up then. Oh well. Anyways, his current girlfriend was with us, sitting in a desk, and me and him were on the floor of the classroom just sitting, doing work maybe? I think they weren't together at all in the first place or had broken up. I'm not really sure. But Jackson asked me if I would go out with him in that cute/subtle sort of way. And for some reason I told him that I had to think about it. I think Tina told me though that I should've done it... So I had changed my mind and told Jackson that I wanted to, but then he got typical 'Jackson' on me. XD He told me he didn't want to anymore because I rejected him the first time and went on about it, like he probably would have. -Sigh.- I really should stop sleeping so soundly.

I believe a celebration is in order!

...

Maybe not.

Anywho, schools been in session for a while now. It's been pretty sweet so far. I've turned in all my work, as far as I know I have an A in every class (English is iffy...), and no drama whatsoever. I still feel a little... bleh sometimes. But things are alright overall. I'm also in the school play for once. I play Max Hilliard, a fine painter and friend of the Fitzgerald. Sweet deal. Except, I think that the play is a tad boring... >_> But oh well. I'm in it! Supporting male role. Oh yes. I also got Harvest Moon Island of Happiness. So fun. Addicting. Great. Only problem is control scheme, but once you get over that, it's all good. Japanese started too. Woo hoo. Met some nice college kids in there that I think I'm friends with. It's a neat class, but sooo much memorization for me to do with all of this stuff. Ayeayeaye.

Anywho. Life update- over. For now.

Sometimes I wish I really had someone who had every single one of my interests. That would be extremely nice. There's Raymond, but he's an ass when it comes down to it. Anything I have that does NOT interest him, he calls me gay, a fag, says I'm not his friend. And all together, it's rather self-esteem decreasing. Hannah only shares some of my love for a few musicals. Everything else, I'm just 'Asian' for. Jay has like, no more interests with me anymore. And Kero doesn't talk to me, and doesn't know any of the stuff we used to like together anymore. Sometimes it feels like I'm alone. D: And when I'm not, I'm being called gay, a fag, or asian. ._.

God I wish I had a soulmate.

On top of that I've been somewhat lost lately. I think I talked to Jihi about it a lot... I think I just might be gay. ._. But like. I don't want to be. Totally. I... actually really hate gay people? >_> At least the stereotypical ones. They annoy the hell out of me, and I always wanted a future where I had a wife and kid. Maybe 2 kids. A girl and a boy. They grew up to be successful and I would watch them raise kids of their own... But... Maybe not anymore. It'd be wrong to marry a girl and have babies with her if I didn't love her. Don't know what I'm gonna do with my life. Who knew I'd be the one from my elementary school who'd turn out to only find out he's in the closet?

Back to school in two weeks. Whoo.

So I've basically done all I can for the summer up to now. Let's seee. Two weeks ago, I went on vacation to the Eastern states of America. Not really fun. We took like 47938047237490724912 pictures. =___= Ugh. First we went to new Jersey to stay at the umm..... Wind something. D: I forget, but it was nice. And downstairs was an office with 2 computers for free use. XD That was pretty cool. Then it was off to New York! First we went around Manhattan. China Town to eat breakfast, which was really rundown and scary... Hmm.. Then we went to see the Statue of Liberty by boat ride. It was neat, except for all the fog. Then we went to Times Square. First we went to see some weird wax museum, which I didn't like that much. Then finally we got to go around it! D: UGHH. I SAW BROADWAY THEATERS. BUT I DIDN'T GET TO SEE ANYYYY. I did get a souvenir program/bag from the Palace Theater though. x333 LEGALLY BLONDE. YEAH! Then we had to leave... ;__; Goddd. I think we stayed at a cheap hotel that night. It was horrible to my recollection. The room was small and stuffy, and the AC had a distinctive smell... Ew. Then Philadelphia I think. Or Washington DC. Either way, we saw some really historic monuments. Basically all of them. XD It was cool. But once again, we spend the whole time we're there taking pictures. Ugh. The rest of the vacation I think I forget because as you know, I wasn't that interested. OH, but we did visit the US Mint, and Hershey's Chocolate factory. XP That's it.

Then we came back. whoo. Plane rides were not fun. D: Delayed like 5 times. =_= Ugh.

When I came back, I went ice skating with my asian friends. Met Jackson's friend from Georgia. He was cool. ^^ I liked him. Fell on my butt a few times thanks to Angela. I swear. XD Do not skate in the vicinity of that girl. Then on Saturday, I saw Mamma Mia! with Hannah,Cassie, and Mandy. It was REALLY fun. Seeing Pierce Brosnan sing was a little scary though. Then yesterday, I went to a pool party at Jackson's. Marcelo came... Ughhh. I hate that guy. D: But it was fun. Jackson barbecue's some mean chicken. 8D And Angela made her famous raspberry chocolate cake. DELISHHH. And now I'm doing nothing. But I gotta read some stupid Scarlet Letter book... ._. Ew. And next week is school registration. Anddddd 3 more weeks til school starts againnn. Oh nooo. D:

Okay, I know I haven't updated in a while, but I had this really weird dream that I just have to post.

So I'm on this rock cliff and for some odd reason I've grown into an adult. I look into the water which is in the form of a lake. There's a guy swimming in there. Black hair, older than me. I want to say 20-22. I find myself jumping into the water to talk to him. As I swim to him, he smiles at me and signals me to swim back to a slope in the rock cliff to get back. And as we do, a really cold wind hits, and the lake freezes a lot. We're immobilized and can hardly move. However both of us manage to get past what icy waters as we can. Then, it happens again, and I'm not sure what happens then, but the next thing I remember is being near the rock coast. The is looking at me and then he starts to sink. I panic and because I don't know how to swim, I can't go after him. I still do though and as I put my head underwater, and I can still see him struggling to survive, I signal for him to grab onto my foot because he's in close enough distance. I swim him on my foot back to the cliff's coast and reach down and pull him as high as I can. Then he steps onto my feet and emerges from the water as we both sit on the shore, panting. We locked our eyes passionately... And that's all I can really remember... I think mayne he mightve said "your foot saved my life". No im positive he did. My next dream immediately after that was like some Phoenix Wright thing where somebody got murdered. XD Anyways, I gotta go back to sleep. I'm leaving for Boston soon. <3

Finals are coming! Let's see what I've got to do.

In THEATRE. Our final will be our musical theatre performances. My group is doing the title song from 'You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown", so I'm a little excited. I alright made my Charlie Brown shirt. XDDD

In PRODUCTION DESIGN. Our final is a basic setup for a play, which will be 'The Ideal Husband'. It's totally gay, but whatevs. I lost my script for it too, so I can't really do it. >_>;; Biitch. Anyways, I gotta draw a set design, a character render, make-up render, and blueprint of something. XD Bah.

In PRECALCULUS. Our final will be a 2 part test. The first is on Friday which will be a free-answer, all word problem test with our calculators (thank GOD<3). The second part is the trigonometry part. >_> Let's not get into that...

In LIFE FACS. Our final will be 2 parts too. A powerpoint on a career choice we're contemplating in our future, and then next week probably a final test on everything we've learned. Ewww.

In BIOLOGY. Our final will be a test on everything we've learned, and will take two days. XD

Omg, XD I'm really odd lately, but I really feel like I want a boyfriend lately. Agh. It's aggravating. XD A cute guy. Taller than me. Medium length black hair. Light, pretty eyes. Light skin tone. D: Athletic. Likes blue as much as I do. And always likes to hold me. That would be nice. XD RAWR. I didn't say any of that.

I have lots of stuff to do this summer. First of all, SABOTEN CON BABY. Cosplay time. Shimon on Saturday, Syaoran and Sora on Sunday and Monday. WHOO! I'm SO excited. I'm volunteering at the registration center on Sunday from 1-5 for my volunteer entrance though. Free admission! Plus free community service hours for National Honor Society. Oh yeah, I'm in that now btw. xD Haha. Then I have tennis lessons! At Glendale Community College every Saturday from 7AM-8:40AM. I'm excited. I'm doing it with Weston, who's a butt, but it's alright. I also plan to get another job and save up for Japanese classes during fall. Which'll be like, freaking 340$. WOW. I need to buy games too though! D: AGHHHH. Oh well. It's okay. Is that it? Oh yeah, I'm going to redo my room. XD At least, I hope. And hopefully make MORE costumes! WHOO! I plan to go on 'getting off ass' mode for this summer hopefully. Muahahahaaaaaa. >_>;; -Cough.- Anywho. I'm done writing. I'm too tired to think anymore. I've been studying for math for too long. D: Bleh. Signing off! -Andrew

Okay, I'm going to post what I've done for the past 2 months or so here. BUUUUT. It'll get a lot of updates, as I'll be remembering them in short bursts. >_>;; So Let's see..

I started working last month! At Lee Lee's Supermarket. I met this one Asian lady there. Her name is Meei-Ling Staar, and she's really interesting. She speaks Mandarin, Taiwanese, and Japanese. And English too of course. Lol. But no vietnamese, which is bad because everyone else there speaks vietnamese, so it comes at a disadvantage to her (and me). D: She's 60 and has 1 28 year old son, and I really admire her. She wrote her own cook book and manages a business I think she said. She only worked there because her second cookbook was going to be all asian recipes, so she wanted to experience what people got in their asian groceries, and to know what certain things were. She's really smart and resourceful for a 1st generation asian. XD I wish my mom and dad were more like her. Jesus. Anyways, back to work. Everyone there speaks vietnamese as I've said. Most of the people there look kinda mean, or like they have something against you. Me and Meei-Ling talked about it. XD I also think Vietnamese asians are the least attractive of all of us. >___> None of them are at all. And the customers too, really. No good lookin' people around here I guess. =/ Too bad. XD I was looking forward to seeing a few. Oh welllll. I got my first payment today. 140 dollars for 20 hours of work. :D Hooray! And I've made minimal mistakes. I still need to learn my vegetables, but I'm getting them pretty quickly. It's not that hard now. But I'm getting laid off temporarily until they need me again for the Grand Re Opening. So yeah. That's work in a nutshell.

Saboten con is in about 2 more weeks! HOORAY! My shimon costume is currently under way, and hopefully my Brendan costume will be too. Hopefully... >_>;; Ahh. Anyways, I'm really stressing out about getting my costumes done though. I need a lot more things to finish it, and my friend michelle who SAID she was going to make my necklace. Didn't. =/ So I'm a little disappointed, and need to find out how to make the necklace myself, which totally bombs. Oh well. D:

School is alright. I'm passing all my classes. :D And as far as I know I have an A or B in most. precalc is going better. 85% =D Somehow... I fail every test, but somehow I manage a good grade? Wtf? Oh well. I'M NOT COMPLAINING. XD But I'm retaking it next semester for a better grade of course. My next semester consists of Piano, Choir, PreCalc, AP Biology, AP AZ/US history, AP English III, Theatre Arts III, Mechanics/Engineering/Science/Academics class, and hopefully Creative Foods. I'll be trying out for next semester's school play too! And hopefully rejoin the tennis team. Whoo! 8D

OH! I also saw Assassins last month! It is now officially my favorite musical. >_>;; I know I say that a lot, so it don't matter. But it's really neat and controversial, and totally anarchy friendly. x] So it makes me happy. I need to buy the soundtrack sometime. Srsly.

That's all I remember for now. More updates will come eventuallyyyyy. <3